HAIR METAL HAS A BALD SPOT
By Jason Handelsman, winner of this year’s Miami Writer’s Prize. All photos by Jacob Katel.
Swarms of Metal Heads inside the stomach parameter. 305 Bermuda Triangle blood crushing Slayer into Slaughter: Sweet cherry pie. Raining blood.
Snaggletooth Don said, “Love without GUTS is worthless.” His current girlfriend chuckled and said, “Remember that poser with the new Celtic Frost shirt from Hot Topic?” Snaggletooth Don is in fact, wearing a sleeveless Dirty Rotten Imbeciles T-shirt with grey cargo shorts. His late-forties looking girlfriend is wearing an Overkill shirt. They laugh through missing teeth and beer bubbles, as Motley Crue transmits “about to hit the stage” frequency.
The challenge of life as an artist in Miami can be compared to looking in the mirror while masturbating: Filthy. Hopeless. Erotic. Fleek.
Impossible attempts to turn ourselves on; while simultaneously turning everybody else off.
Shout at the Devil. I LOVE NIKKI SIXX.
The vanity blares through “Dr. Feelgood” and “Girls, Girls, Girls” as I imagine President Donald Trump getting assassinated in the year 2018. An unresolved angst grinds up our inner organs like a school of piranhas. We play “AIR GUITAR”. We sacrifice the goats and pigs in our dark hooded robes, while dancing under the Neon Pentagram.
Members of Huffer Collective pictured above, waiting for VIP limo from parking garage to the American Airlines Arena. September 2, 2015. Miami, Florida.
Flashback: massive food fight at my Motley Crue themed Bar Mitzvah in the late 80s, the first tongue kiss while Home Sweet Home blared, smoking first joint behind Don Carter’s Bowling Lane that very morning.
The Huffer Collective is attempting to annihilate Miami’s current position as “art world mecca for rich tourists”. They have held site-specific exhibitions in between dumpsters on Biscayne Blvd., they are preparing to tour the world on their private jet, and they are slowly covering every square inch of Miami with a “Formless Substance” mixed with Vaseline.
YOU DON’T LIVE IN MY WORLD.
“Alice Cooper opening for Motley Crue at the American Airlines Arena on Biscayne Boulevard is absolutely no joke,” said Huffer Collective’s President Anonymous, “In a spiritual sense, Miami has deep Hair Metal roots going back to the early 70’s when Jim Morrison exposed his penis during a Doors concert in Coconut Grove. That was a pivotal moment for future punk rock ideologies as well.” He continues, “Hair Metal and Punk Rock are derivative of The Doors, just as Motley Crue is a derivative of Alice Cooper.” He pulls a piece of cardboard out of a nearby trash can and takes a large black magic marker out of his pocket. “The Hair Metal family tree includes: New York Dolls, Black Sabbath, and GG Allin.”
Motley Crue is derivative of lots of things, but Alice Cooper opening for Motley Crue does make sense logistically: The 67-year-old senior citizen croons about being 18 years old, while his wrinkled body and expensive wig melts under the spotlight. The Born-Again Christian has written a book about golf, yet he is a bona-fide rock star for eternity!
Alice Cooper is the Jay-Z of Metal. Wait, reverse that. Pictured above, HOLOGRAM.
The upcoming Huffer Collective performance (info below), requires the Study of Pyrotechnics. Could there be a better place to do research for this type of project? “This is Fucking Awesome!” says Swampdog, who is 1/3 of the Huffer Collective. “Those people are blowing up more shit than the U.S. Government.” He continues, “I want to be a front man like Alice Cooper.”
We walked closer to the stage as lead singer Vince Neil said, “Raise your hands if this is your first Crue show!”
You could almost hear crickets. Then,
“And how many of you grew up with us?”
The crowd erupted as he continued, “We were 4 kids in Los Angeles who liked to have gay orgies and donkey punch each other.”
Did I hear that correctly? My back was to the stage, because I was occupied with one financial transaction after another. My press passes had worked for the other members of the Huffer Collective. They were inside the VIP area. I had to enter the arena on the other side; through the underground tunnel.
Huffer Collective will be performing at 3:20pm during Death to the Sun 5 at North Beach Bandshell on September 19.